questions that should never have to be asked...

you wake up to start your day; the same way as any other.  you do your morning ritual and head haphazardly to the kitchen to start breakfast.  it hasn't accrued to you or any one in the family what is about to happen or where this day will end.  we just naturally assume the day will either go as planned or it will be as routine as any other day...  i use to think this was how normal people lived their lives..   no surprises, no worries, no problems, just ordinary life obstacles that happen in every day people lives....
it doesn't always happen that way.. 
 there are some, like myself for instance, who use to judge the day by the battles won and lost..  did i get to eat a warm dinner?  did i get to take a shower before changing clothes to head back to school?  were my brothers and sisters safe if i wasn't there to protect them?  did everyone my age have to fight to survive, to become a whole person instead of a fragmented personality fighting to stay alive....?  I wondered..   you would walk or drive down a residential neighborhood and see the different family together.  Happy.  Loving.  Togetherness.  then you would continue the walk or drive and you would see a light.  not a bright light, just a small single light off in the distance..  you would stare at this light as if it were talking to you, telling you that it will be okay.  then you would realize you were back to where you lived..   you would wonder, is tonight going to be okay?   did they get drunk and fight again?  did he get drunk while your mother was at work..  you would be alone with younger siblings needing care...  could you make sure there was peace in the house that night so everyone would be safe....   
if you could climb into bed and be asleep before he came home or at least pretend to be sleeping would he leave you alone...   if mom was working second shift and come home to late would he be asleep, waiting on her or would he be drunk following her to make sure she didn't do anything she was suppose to...   
so many questions for a young teenage girl to think about when she woke up in the morning....   then there would me time you would have to hide a bruise that you receive from being beaten the night before or held down and raped again..  all the time knowing that the siblings were silently crying and praying for my safety; yet, hoping that they wouldn't be next...
what would happen when you got to school?  would the teachers know?  they were grownups could they tell?  if i asked for help, would anyone believe me...?   how was i going to concentrate on studies with such a head ache from having my head pounded up against the hard floor for fighting back or saying no...  
how could all these things go through a mind of a youngster so early in the morning and not yet having breakfast, if there was anything in the house to eat anyway...   
it is this way more often than not..  i did speak up a few times.  no one believed me.  he told others i was on drugs and refused to listen to authority...   i tried...  
these are just thoughts and not actual events..   the events would be more horrific then you could image...  
i grew up and still have nights where i wake up screaming for help, sweating from running for safety and shaking from being terribly afraid.   i still find myself going into buildings where i memorize where the exits are, where the chairs are sitting and where would the safest place be to at that time...  i still look at people and every great once in a while i will get the feeling that he is there, hiding inside of someone..  my life has never been normal..  i was raised learning who to and who not to allow close to me..  i wouldn't allow anyone see how much pain i was really feeling.,,,  the more i hurt inside the more i would smile and use humor on the outside...
now that i am older and have children and grandchildren i still worry.  i try to talk with them often.. just to reassure myself that they were out of harms way...  still yet to this day i look back on my childhood years as a battle of survival..  i eventually won but my scars are deep.  
do you know some one who has went through this?  maybe you or a friend....  all that matters now is i have my thoughts on papers and i am just now beginning to heal from all of these questions....